Andrew McFarland Campbell  

Should I try Toblerone?

As of the time of publication I have never eaten a Toblerone. Unfortunately, due to an incident involving multiple amounts of cat vomit, I have no trousers that are both clean and dry, so I can’t leave the flat. Thus I have been pondering the question should I try Toblerone? This is not a simple question, and not a decision to be made while I try to decide if these swimming shorts could pass for streetwear. It is important to have all the data at my fingertips.

So I did what any sensible person would do, and I put together a spreadsheet.

Pro Notes Evaluation ( 0 – 10)
It is chocolate 10
If I like it, it will mean I can always find chocolate to buy in airport duty-free shops This has never been a problem, but you never know 5
It may be a taste sensation 5
Cardboard tube is more sophisticated than a Wispa wrapper I do like to look sophisticated 7
May be a gateway chocolate for other European chocolates, such as Ferrero Rocher This would probably annoy UKIP 10
Almond content will temporarily turn my spit into a weapon to repel people with almond allergies I suspect just spitting at them would be enough 2
People will be impressed with my new Toblerone-eating skils Might become a street performer if the tech writing doesn’t work out 6
I will be able to bond with any passing Swiss without needing to buy a penknife or watch But I’ve never knowingly met any Swiss people 1
By diversifying my base of preferred chocolate manufacturers I reduce the risks associated with a hypothetical collapse of Cadbury Diversity is good 10
If I collect the boxes I will be able to demonstrate tessellation Education is good 8
Total 64
Con Notes Evaluation ( 0 – 10)
It isn’t British chocolate, and therefore not true chocolate 5
I may buy too much in duty-free airport shops and make myself ill on the flight Who cares? I’d still be gorging myself on chocolate 0
It may taste vile  I know how to spit 1
The sharp edges on the cardboard tube might be dangerous I can always wrap it in a condom for safety 2
May be a gateway chocolate for other European chocolates, such as Ferrero Rocher I might stop loving Cadbury’s and somehow become less British; this is unlikely 1
Lack of peanut content will mean my spit cannot be used as a weapon against peanut-allergy sufferers I suspect just spitting at them would be enough 2
Might lead to me eating too much and dying from a surfeit of Toblerone, much like Henry 1 of England and lampreys A small risk, and what a way to go! 1
Might offend people who are offended by Switzerland’s neutral stance in WW2 While neutral, Switzerland did offer asylum to many refugees during WW2, including 62,000 Jewish people, saved by Carl Lutz, the Swiss Consul in Budapest. People offended by this stance deserve to be offended 0
May turn out to be allergic to some component of Toblerone that is only found in Toblerone Extremely unlikely, but you can’t be too careful I guess 3
May act as a gateway into other Swiss products, leading to a tragic death involving a hoard of cuckoo clocks and penknives, not dissimilar to how the Collyer brothers died If this happens, I will probably run out of money before I run out of space, as Swiss stuff tends to be small and expensive 1
Total 16

The data are clear. The pro score is 64, and the con score a mere 16, leaving a net pro of 48. Therefore I will go out and buy a Toblerone as soon as I can find a pair of clean and dry trousers.

Update: half an hour after posting this, I found a pair of trousers and was able to try some Toblerone. It is yummy and awesome.

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