Identity, celibacy, and Christ
I am Christian.
I am Christadelphian.
I am British.
I am Irish.
I am European.
I am diabetic.
I am gay.
I am sure there are many other sentences of that structure that I could write about myself. They are all true, and although some of them overlap with others, that overlap does not cause contradiction. Saying I am diabetic does not in any way diminish saying I am British. Saying I am British does not in any way diminish saying I am Irish.
Identity is a multifaceted thing, and the various adjectives that describe my identity are relevant at different times. When I speak to my diabetes care team, I am diabetic is considerably more relevant than I am Christadelphian, but both are still true. When I am entering the UK through passport control in a British airport, I am British is considerably more relevant than I am Irish, but both are still true.
One of the above sentences is not like the others. I am diabetic. I really wish I wasn’t, especially when I am sitting at my desk, sharps container at my elbow, as I test my blood glucose. Saying I am followed by an adjective does not mean that the adjective is something that you want to be. It is merely saying that it is something you are.
I recently read a book review in a Christadelphian magazine, and it said this:
They use the term “same-sex attraction,” rather than “gay” or “lesbian,” because those terms are used to describe an identity. Their identity is in Christ, not in their sexual orientation.
Book Review: Same Sex Attraction and the Church: The Surprising Plausibility of the Celibate Life, The Christadelphian Tidings, March 2023
My identity is in Christ. I also identify as a diabetic, as a Briton, as an Irish person, and as a European. I am diabetic, British, Irish, and European as well. Those other aspects of my identity do not undermine my identity in Christ. The same is true of I am gay.
The term “same-sex attraction” (particularly when it is used in sentences like “I experience same-sex attraction”) is not neutral. “I experience same-sex attraction” distances me from that attraction in a way that “I am gay” does not. Outside of academic work, I have never encountered someone who is supportive of same-sex relationships who uses the term. In contrast, “gay” is used by people who are supportive of same sex-relationships and opposed to them.
Do I want to be diabetic? No, I do not. Does saying “I am diabetic” mean that I think the diabetes is a good thing? No, it does not. It does, however, make it easier to manage and live with.
Saying “I am gay” does not mean that I think being gay is a good thing, and it does not mean that I think being gay is a bad thing. But it does make it easier to manage and live with, regardless of whether I think it is a good thing. For many people, sexual and romantic feelings are powerful. Regardless of whether you think those feelings are good, you still have to manage them. Distancing yourself from these feelings, by saying things like “I experience same-sex attraction” rather than “I am gay” makes those feelings harder to manage. The author of the review says “One of the things that makes this book persuasive is that it’s written by someone living what he is preaching.” I am living what I preach, so I hope the author takes my words to have the same degree of persuasion. I have also found that, amongst gay Christians who do not believe same-sex relationships are morally acceptable, “I am gay” makes it easier to manage their unwanted sexual and romantic feelings. Again, I hope these real, lived experiences are persuasive.
The article says:
The majority of books on this subject fail to explain how the gospel message is good news to the same-sex attracted. That’s why Mr. Shaw wrote his book, with such a focus on the concept of “plausibility.” He laments that it has become implausible to tell a person in a gay relationship who has heard the call of the gospel, that he or she needs to separate and live a life of celibacy.
Christianity has a long tradition of celebrating and supporting celibacy, supported by passages like Matthew 19:11-12, and 1 Corinthians 7.
Some straight Christians are celibate, and they live happy, fulfilled, Christian lives that way. Some straight Christians are not celibate, and they too live happy fulfilled, Christian lives that way. The existence of the first group – happy, fulfilled, celibate straight Christians – does not mean that everybody should be in that group. It isn’t for everyone.
But He said to them, “All cannot accept this saying, but only those to whom it has been given: For there are eunuchs who were born thus from their mother’s womb1, and there are eunuchs who were made eunuchs by men, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven’s sake. He who is able to accept it, let him accept it.”
Some gay Christians are celibate, and they live happy, fulfilled, Christian lives that way. The existence of this group does not mean that every gay Christian should be in it. For many years of my adult life, I was happily celibate, but for me it was not a sustainable way to live.
All cannot accept this saying, but only those to whom it has been given.
Those are the words of Christ.
It is perfectly plausible to tell gay people that celibacy may be an option for them. It may be an option for all of us, regardless of our sexual orientation. However, Christ himself tells us it is not a requirement for everyone.
At the time of writing, Michael and I are approaching 15 years of marriage.2 We both have significant health concerns, and we both look after each other. Of particular relevance is my diabetes. If that progresses as normal, then at some point it will become unsafe for me to live alone.
I have read a lot of books about Christianity and same-sex relationships. Amongst those that say same-sex relationships are wrong, none of them have ever explained why someone like me would benefit from leaving my relationship. Even if I completely ignored any commitment I had made to my husband and focussed purely on my own needs, if I separated from him, I have very small window of time to find somebody else I can live with, so that when I get to the point that I can no longer live alone I am part of an established household. “Separate, live a life of celibacy, and possibly die early” does not sound like good news.
No Christadelphian who believes same-sex relationships are wrong has ever tried to explain to me how their understanding of the Gospel is something that I could consider “good news”.3 I have always been told, as far as I can recall, that the love that my husband and I share is evil.4 I would like a Christadelphian who believes that same-sex relationships are wrong to explain to me how their understanding of the Gospel could be seen as good news to me. If you would like to try, leave a comment below, or use my contact page to send me a message.
- “Born eunuchs” may well include what we would regard as gay people today. See Who Are Those ‘Eunuchs Who Have Been So from Birth’ in the Gospel of Matthew? by Dr Robert N. Minor. ↩︎
- Because of the way the laws around same-sex relationships have changed, there is a lot of over-simplification in this statement. The details are not relevant here. ↩︎
- There are many Christadelphians who do not believe that same-sex relationships are wrong. ↩︎
- As an aside, in all of my reading about the Bible and same-sex relationships, I have never read anything by a writer who believes that same-sex relationships are wrong who also understands what same-sex relationships are. ↩︎
